Nonviolent Communication

1. “The payoff for Ahimsa isn’t that you upgrade the illusion, which is what the ego is always striving to do with more money, possessions, and power. The payoff is that you get to be who you really are. Higher”

2. “When we express our needs indirectly through the use of evaluations, interpretations, and images, others are likely to hear criticism. And when people hear anything that sounds like criticism, they tend to invest their energy in self-defense or counterattack. If we wish for a compassionate response from others, it is self-defeating to express our needs by interpreting or diagnosing their behavior. Instead, the more directly we can connect our feelings to our own needs, the easier it is for others to respond to us compassionately.”

3. “Listening carefully to the message behind the “no” helps us understand the other person’s needs: When they say “no,” they’re saying they have a need that keeps them from saying “yes” to what we are asking. If we can hear the need behind a “no,” we can continue the conflict resolution process—maintaining our focus on finding a way to meet everybody’s needs—even if the other party says “no” to the particular strategy we presented them.”

4. “As we’ve seen, all criticism, attack, insults, and judgments vanish when we focus attention on hearing the feelings and needs behind a message. The more we practice in this way, the more we realize a simple truth: behind all those messages we’ve allowed ourselves to be intimidated by are just individuals with unmet needs appealing to us to contribute to their well-being.”

5. “Choosing to request rather than demand does not mean we give up when someone says no to our request. It does mean that we don’t engage in persuasion until we have empathized with what’s preventing the other person from saying yes.”

6. “Perhaps you are surprised that I regard praise and compliments to be life-alienating. Notice, however, that appreciation expressed in this form reveals little of what’s going on in the speaker; it establishes the speaker as someone who sits in judgment. I define judgments—both positive and negative—as life-alienating communication.”

1. Observations vs. Evaluations Change Everything

State specific, factual observations rather than judgments or interpretations. Instead of "You're always late" (evaluation), say "You arrived 15 minutes after our agreed time" (observation). This reduces defensiveness and keeps discussions focused on facts rather than character attacks.

2. Express Feelings, Not Thoughts Disguised as Feelings

True feelings are emotions like frustrated, excited, or worried. Phrases like "I feel that you don't care" are actually thoughts or judgments. Authentic feeling expression creates connection and understanding, while fake feelings create blame and disconnection.

3. Identify Universal Human Needs Behind Conflicts

All human behavior stems from attempts to meet universal needs like autonomy, connection, safety, or recognition. Conflicts arise when people use different strategies to meet the same needs. Focusing on underlying needs creates empathy and opens possibilities for win-win solutions.

4. Make Specific, Doable Requests

Replace demands with clear, specific requests that the other person can actually fulfill. Instead of "You need to respect me more," try "Would you be willing to listen without interrupting when I share my concerns?" Specific requests create clarity and increase the likelihood of cooperation.

5. Listen for Needs Behind Difficult Messages

When people express anger, criticism, or demands, they're usually trying to meet important needs ineffectively. Listen past the words to hear the underlying needs and feelings. This empathetic listening transforms conflicts into opportunities for deeper understanding and connection.